Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.