Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Just in case to be clear #gbbo