Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
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There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
no regrets
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche