Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
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I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.