I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
These are too funny not to post 😂
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer