Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!