“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I WON A HAM TODAY
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask