[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.