The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.