She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Pizza is an emotion right?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.