Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I saw this ending much differently.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh