just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down