At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Money is the root of all wealth
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.