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just leave it at the foot of the bed
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
adding to the discourse
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink