Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know