Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
You Might Also Like
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya