Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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You wish you had this many chins.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.