Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
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trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.