People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Moms. The original autocorrect.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
how high up are we talkin’?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.