They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.