*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
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*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.