My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
X-tra spooky blend
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?