My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
When he asks for feet pics
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
me doing my best
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.