Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Oceanography is all about current events
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
no refunds
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*