It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
You Might Also Like
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Overindulged this afternoon.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet