Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.