Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
This is my brand.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?