If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies