Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I’d … I’d rather not.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….