This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.