“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
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DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!