“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Yup
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I feel it
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
How your email finds me
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.