Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I think we should hear other voices.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Just ordered me some pizza!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.