Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs