[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Never ghost your hitman.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”