It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction