Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
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ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My blood type is b hungry.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.