i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“no gods no masters” = leo
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.