going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
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I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.