ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
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the pigeons are already plenty salty
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Phonetics
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My dress code is business-casualty.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.