Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Natty or not?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too