Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos