No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher