A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Hell yeah 👍
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”