I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.