I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I only eat vegetarians.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.