[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
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Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.