[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
finally found a reasonable question
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
i think we should see other cousins
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.