Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.