Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
You Might Also Like
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
who wore it better?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I got bills
They’re multiplying